some deep shit that got nothing to do with u

i remember when i was a child;

i used to pray every night to God that all the dramas will end that night. wishing that i wake up to see them happy, the fear feeling's gone. no fighting, shouting & yelling, crying and smashing things. but nah. i live with it till i grew up.

once our family portrait was smashed, the glass from the frame shattered in front of me. i was reading a book to study for my pmr. tears fell, i ran to my room. what did i do wrong?... could this be a sign from God that our family will never be happy ever again? yes, it might be. only God knows.

also the part when i found a song called "family potrait" sang by pink. i got mad emotional reading the lyrics. it speaks my story, 100%:

"Momma please stop crying, I can't stand the sound
Your pain is painful and its tearin' me down
I hear glasses breaking as I sit up in my bed
I told dad you didn't mean those nasty things you said

You fight about money, 'bout me and my brother
And this I come home to, this is my shelter
It ain't easy growing up in World War three
Never knowing what love could be, you'll see
I don't want love to destroy me like it has done my family

Can we work it out, can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better, Mommy I'll do anything
Can we work it out, can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better, daddy please don't leave

Daddy please stop yellin', I can't stand the sound
Make mama stop cryin', 'cause I need you around
My mama she loves you, no matter what she says, its true
I know that she hurts you, but remember I love you, too

I ran away today, ran from the noise, ran away
Don't wanna go back to that place, but don't have no choice, no way
It ain't easy growin' up in World War three
Never knowin' what love could be, well I've seen
I don't want love to destroy me like it did my family

Can we work it out, can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better, mommy I'll do anything
Can we work it out, can we be a family?
I promise I'll be better, daddy please don't leave

In our family portrait, we look pretty happy
Let's play pretend, let's act like it comes naturally
I don't wanna have to split the holidays
I don't want two addresses
I don't want a step-brother anyways
And I don't want my mom to have to change her last name

In our family portrait we look pretty happy
We look pretty normal, let's go back to that
In our family portrait we look pretty happy
Let's play pretend, act like it goes naturally

Daddy don't leave
Daddy don't leave
Daddy don't leave
Turn around please
Remember that the night you left you took my shining star?
Daddy don't leave
Daddy don't leave
Daddy don't leave
Don't leave us here alone

Mum will be nicer
I'll be so much better, I'll tell my brother
Oh, I won't spill the milk at dinner
I'll be so much better, I'll do everything right
I'll be your little girl forever
I'll go to sleep at night"

babi kan the lyrics? speaks my life.

by the way mum once went live by herself. i cried every night weh. i'm her child. her only daughter. she's the one will always be beside me since the day she gave birth to me. being the only child, i only got my mumma. tried to stay happy and be happy for my little brothers, and not showing them the pain. it was hard. it hurts so much that i sometimes blame Him for what had happened. but no, i am, still to this day, keeping positive as hard as i can.

i guess this is where i got my anxiety that leads to paranoid and depression. (and become a cause to the one that i love) nah, i shouldn't be talking about this too...

okay. i guess i should stop now. i should stop perasan at one point like i was the only one got problem that it is actually very common effect of the world. cmon la, fatin.

i know soon enough, i'll feel stupid for posting this.